Figure skating and other spinny judged sports might be getting more attention, but I am confident in my conviction that the Biathlon is really where it’s at.

Here’s why . . .

— 1 —

You have to be pretty much the perfect athlete to succeed at biathlon. Biathlon is TOUGH in every possible way. You have to have excellence in both aerobic and precision disciplines.

This is what cross country skiers look like after a race:

If a biathlete is laying down in the snow after cross country skiing, it’s to shoot at stuff. Tiny stuff that’s really far away.

— 2 —

Biathlon is also really PRACTICAL.

Apparently its origins are in Norwegian military training:

But think about THIS: in the event of a zombie attack at the Winter Olympics, who’s going to survive?

Nazi zombies (also Norweigian)

These two?

Of course not, she’d be the first one eaten, if zombies can see, even a little.

These guys?

Can’t you just imagine them frantically trying to hop away? <sigh> Hilarious.

No, you’re going to want to be one of these guys:

Shoot zombies, ski away, go get some dinner.

— 3 —

Biathlon is old school. It was contested in the first Winter Olympics in 1924.

1960

It’s not desperately trying to be cool like all these johnny-come-latelies. “Slopestyle” is not even a word, just ask spellcheck. Saying it on television 500 times doesn’t make it a word.

— 4 —

Snowboarding “slopestyle” (I will always put this in quotes) is bad enough, but the skiing? C’mon, that’s just silly.

Every time I see one of them land a jump backwards and keep on heading down the hill, looking over a shoulder all the way down, I can’t help but think of Mater:

— 5 —

And just when you think Biathlon couldn’t get any awesomer, there are Tracy and Lanny Barnes.

The image of twin U.S. biathletes Tracy and Lanny Barnes doesn’t move in Guinness’ new Winter Olympics ad. But, trust us, the commercial will move you.
If there were a storytelling event in the Olympics for alcohol brands, Guinness might tie for the gold with Tullamore Dew.

See it for yourself here. And then watch the event today.


— 6 —

And hey, look! It’s a Winter Olympic Sport personality chart! Just figure out your Meyers Briggs Personality Type and see which Winter Olympic sport suits you best:

It is very scientific and not at all mostly randomly assigned, so you should believe it.

Oh my goodness, I get biathlon, what a surprise. If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.
 
— 7 —

In conclusion:

Biathlon wins.

———-

Hey, changing gears here, I crashed an interview that my editor was doing on Relevant Radio. You can hear the whole hour featuring Grace of Praying With Grace and my editor, Vivian Dudro, talking about kids and confession and my new book. Or you can jump to forty-nine minutes in if you want to hear why, when I answer the phone, people always ask if they can talk to my mom. Because I sound like I am six.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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